11:11

Somehow the year’s almost gone. There has been no blog posts from me. There’s been very little of anything from me in regards to this website this year. It’s been a busy year and likewise, I’ve done very little.

The last time I wrote it was in January and there were bushfires. I was filled with some start of the year optimism despite all of the destruction that was happening elsewhere in my state.

Since then, well a few things have happened. 2020 was the year of covid19, the death of my nan and the break up of a major relationship. It was also a year when I got a motorbike, built a computer, and had more consistent work than I have ever had in my life.

Now it’s late on boxing day. Christmas has come and gone. Birthday come and gone. Many shifts at work have come and gone. It was a year barren of social expectations from essentially March onwards and while I’m quite a social person, I loved it.

My year in a glance

I’ve dropped off Facebook as there were no more events to keep on top of. I spent some time in my own space and I really liked it. I started projects and didn’t finish, well any. I did put some videos online which was cool, combining writing and music, but I never released the EP I wanted to. I never recorded the album I’d intended. I never cut up the years of footage on the computer like I had planned. There’s a multitude of reasons why it didn’t happen but I guess I got busy, and when I wasn’t busy, I was chilling the fuck out.

I rediscovered reading. I read 32 books and have got another 3 or 4 that I’ve half read. I finally got audible and have listened to 4 books on that. I did some online courses and made some sacrifices to get to early morning live streams. I went to some writing workshops in person and did some online. In between I was listening to pod casts and taking notes, diligently wanting to work towards a life that was different.

I dusted off the boogie board and got in the water. When the restrictions eased, I got back into BJJ. At one point this year I weighed 83 KG’s. At another point I weighed 73. I’m currently somewhere in the middle. I cooked healthy meals and haven’t worked a nightshift since the 16th of July, easily the longest break from fighting my body I’ve had in a decade.

I began to wake up every morning with no alarm between 5 AM and 7. I felt physically awake when I woke up and had energy to get out of bed. I’d never felt like this in my life. I turned my phone off for 3 days and tried meditation. I wrote, I read, I played music.

Somewhere near the end of the year though, I got disheartened. I had a couple of late nights that threw everything out. I stopped sleeping through the night and instead began my old pattern of sleeping for a few hours then I’d be awake until 3 or 4 AM. Waking up got harder. After almost 2 years, I began smoking cigarettes again a week or so ago. It’s still only one here, ten there, but it’s starting.

I had wanted this year to be… I don’t know. I really loved that the world took a deep breath and changed. I feel like I missed it because I was working so much so next year I’m going to be mixing things up a bit. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m going to do but I’ve got a few ideas.

And it starts with this.

My wall

This is the wall of my room. It’s a bit of a mind map of some scenes and themes and ideas I’ve got for a story I want to write next year. I think I say it every year about how this year I’ll do the thing. And sure, each year I do take a step towards something. But fuck me am I sick of writing in a vacuum.

I almost pissed this website off the other day. Instead, I’m just going to give less fucks about it and post shit like this, even with low quality images. In the past blog posts have taken me days or weeks to write. Now? I’m realising there’s actually some benefits of just putting shit online even if it’s not fantastic. It’s online so it’s somewhere, and it means I can at the very least re-read this post some day and remember what the fuck I did in 2020. A whole lot, and a whole lot of nothing.

Almost half a million words. That’s a lot of navel gazing.

I just realised it’s tomorrow. The 11:11 moment is long gone and an hour has passed. Guess I’ll go to bed.

Few quotes and short ideas I liked this year.

  • He suffers more than is necessary who suffers before it is necessary (Seneca).
  • Imperfect action is the key (Jessica Abel/Marcus Dunn).
  • Security is handling what life throws at you (Susan Jeffers).
  • Movement and change are constant. If they aren’t present, you’re not living.
  • You can’t control everything but you can control your attitude.
  • Say yes to your universe. The smallest acts create change so be playful and bring that energy into your life.
  • The public are (generally) not a threat.
  • At worst, you die. So what hill would you die on? What idea would you fight for?

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